The Chicken Catcher Wins it All

Kevin Skinner . . . not a great singer . . . not even a good singer . . . but I listen to every word that comes out of his mouth, in a way that not even many of the great singers and/or songwriters can muster.

When he sings songs, I discover those songs, and pay attention to them in ways I never thought I could, or would.

Case in point -- Well, where do I begin? "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith? Overblown cheesy rock ballad in Aerosmith's hands, amazing introspective poignant song in Kevin Skinner's hands.

Shall I continue? Oh c'mon . . . you've watched the shows and the performances . . . in my "Songs I Wish I Wrote" blog, I called Kevin Skinner after his first show on "America's Got Talent" a songwriter's best friend. Honestly, I didn't think I was calling the winner at that point, I was merely pointing out that he interprets songs in a way we haven't seen for many a moon . . . I'm talkin' Dionne Warwick, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Ray Price, and yes, even Willie Nelson and George Strait interpretations . . . no faint praise, indeed . . . but that's Kevin Skinner. A Chicken Catcher from Kentucky.

He doesn't (as far as I know) even write songs like Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, George Jones, Dolly Parton, and yes, I'm going there . . . Hank Williams did, but he does deliver them. He does deliver.

A Chicken Catcher catches chicken, a singer catches songs. Kevin Skinner does both.

Steal a Beer, Go to Jail!

This poor guy just can't win. He loses his job, he shoplifts a beer and gets caught. He then demands to be allowed to drink the beer before he is taken into custody. That doesn't go well.

Can't a redneck get a break?!

Officials: Man demands to drink beer before arrest

BAYOU GEORGE, Fla. (AP) -- Authorities in the Florida Panhandle say they arrested a convenience store shoplifter who demanded to drink the 12-ounce beer he had stolen before being taken into custody.

The Bay County Sheriff's office says the man told the deputy he had recently lost his job of 13 years and wanted to drink beer. The man became combative when the deputy wouldn't let him finish it.

George R. Linthicum II was charged Wednesday with shoplifting, battery, possession of marijuana not more than 20 grams and smuggling contraband into a detention facility.

Bay County Jail officials said Thursday that Linthicum II was in jail and did not yet have an attorney.

He should of just walked into the store, grabbed a twelve pack, opened it up and started drinking one beer. When the clerk, says "Sir, you can't do that." He should've replied "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm gonna buy the twelve pack, but I want to look around some more, and I just lost my job. I guess I'm not thinking." Then he should have drunk some more, and eventually gone up to the register, as the clerk is explaining that alcohol cannot be consumed on the premises. Again apologizing he could fish around for money, all the time drinking, and bemoaning his lot in life.

He probably still would have been arrested, but he might have at least drank a beer first.

I mean times are tough, and I'd be hard pressed to deny anyone who just lost their job a brewski.

Yep, I DATED Joe Bob!!!

I'm not too proud of the fact that I dated John Bloom, aka Joe Bob Briggs . . . you see, it didn't end well (the beginning and middle were pretty fucked up too). But, every now and again I like to check in with his website and see what the ole redneck is up to. www.joebobbriggs.com

I have to admit, after almost ten years this "God Stuff" clip he did for Comedy Central holds up pretty well. Maybe I wasn't so crazy after all. On second thought, yeah, I was crazy . . .

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Bloom - God Stuff - Preaching and Shooting
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

And Rudolph wept.

Ted Kennedy Rides a Buckin' Bronc

As Ted Kennedy is laid to rest, many stories good and bad from his past are being recounted. I was surprised that he looked pretty good riding a buckin' bronc on the campaign trail for his brother. He was scared, but he did his homework (insisted on getting a bucker) and spurred out (probably not a regulation over the point of the shoulder, but he'd never ridden a bronc before) arm raised high with a big grin of determination on his face.

Whatever your politics, you have to admit he cowboyed up.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6399974

They Shot My Truck Up With My 1 Year Old Baby Inside

The big story out of Marion, Alabama is the family feud riot that erupted earlier this week.

Sounds like a real Hatfield and McCoy type shindig, and the authorities are still trying to sort out the perps from the victims. Could be gang related, or just a bunch of rednecks fussin' and a feudin'.

"YEARS of quarreling between two families erupted into a small-town riot in which 150 screaming people hurled rocks and tools at each other and struck the police chief with a crowbar.

Families and their supporters lined opposite sides of street
'THEY shot my truck up with my 1-year-old baby inside,' said Littenger Moore, 30.

Problems continued at a high school the next morning, and a fight there resulted in two arrests. After the fight at the school, relatives of those arrested followed officers to police headquarters, where a crowd gathered.

Five men named either Moore or Sawyer and several minors were arrested on assault charges after Monday's violence, District Attorney Michael Jackson said.

In all, at least eight people were arrested. Authorities said a 2- or 3-year-old dispute between the two families prompted a melee that eventually swelled out of control to include friends and gang members.

'I saw a lady with a baseball bat,' said law office employee Debi Foster, who witnessed the scene from behind closed doors.

'There's still a broken mop in the driveway.' Officials said the disagreement between the families apparently originated with school children, but they didn't know the details.

'They came with guns, sticks, bricks, golf clubs. It was a bad situation,' said police chief Tony Bufford.

Mr Jackson said some of the people who took part in the melee sported tattoos with tear drops, which tend to indicate membership in a gang.

'Part of it actually could have been some gang activity,' Mr Jackson said. 'Part of it was families that didn't get along with each other. It's big families with a lot of friends.'

State police and officers from other west Alabama towns were called to keep the peace in Marion, a city of 3,300 about 85 miles (137 kilometres) west of Montgomery. Bufford was hit in the head with a crowbar but was fine.

The violence began on Sunday night when a fight fueled by the families' bad blood erupted after a basketball game, and at least one shot was fired."

I don't know anyone named Moore or Sawyer who sport tattooed tears, I thought that was more of a Mendoza or Menendez type of thing . . . but then the D.A. is named Michael Jackson, and the guy with the truck and the baby bears the first name "Littenger." Yep, Littenger. I don't know what is in the water in Marion, Alabama, but the EPA might want to check it out.

Even Jed Clampett knew to talk before shootin'.

Finally, in the Redneck Style Section . . .

And in the Redneck Money Saving Tips Section . . .

Redneck Fire Alarm

In the Dumb Redneck Criminal Section . . .

Barber tries to rob store over bad beef jerky

CLEVELAND (AP) -- Police said a Cleveland barber became so upset by what he considered bad beef jerky that he returned to the store where he bought it and tried to rob the owner. Police said the 28-year-old barber walked into the store where he bought the snack, just two doors down from his barbershop, and tried to rob the owner Thursday night.
The owner told the man he recognized him and chased him outside with a baseball bat.
The first police officer who arrived on the scene was also familiar with the barber because he cuts the officer's hair.
Police arrested the man at his girlfriend's house a few miles away.
The barber told police the stick of beef jerky he bought sickened him and his dog.

And in the Tasteless and Ironic News Section . . .

Man who stole Virgin Mary painting for abortion convicted of rape, theft -- yep, you read that headline correctly.

OMAHA, Neb. » A Nebraska man who stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he raped has been convicted of first-degree sexual assault and felony theft.
Aurelio Vallerillo-Sanchez, 39, of Omaha pleaded no contest to the charges Friday and faces up to 70 years in prison when sentenced in October, Douglas County prosecutor Brenda Beadle said Saturday.
A call to the county public defender representing Vallerillo-Sanchez wasn't answered Saturday.
Beadle said Vallerillo-Sanchez fled to Mexico with the 300-year-old painting worth $100,000 and the pregnant teen in March 2007.
"The plan was that when they got to Mexico, she was to undergo an abortion," she said.
When an abortion wasn't possible, Vallerillo-Sanchez pushed to have the baby given up for adoption, Beadle said: "He wanted to do everything he could to get rid of this baby 'cause it was evidence against him."
The teen returned to Nebraska and later gave birth, the prosecutor said.
Vallerillo-Sanchez was arrested in February after DNA linked him to the September 2006 assault of the then-14-year-old girl.
His children gave police information about the theft during the investigation into the sexual assault. His son told police he served as a lookout as his father stole the painting from St. Cecilia Cathedral in Omaha. Vallerillo-Sanchez sold the painting for $3,000 in Mexico, his daughter told police.
Vallerillo-Sanchez has been linked to at least four other thefts in the Omaha area, but charges were not filed as part of a plea deal, Beadle said.

The Most Tasteless News Story of the Week . . .

We offer the story of Jasmine Fiore, the model whose lifeless body was so mutilated, they had to ID her by the serial number of breast implants.

They could have saved a lot of trouble and ID'ed her by her eyebrows.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_REALITY_CONTESTANT_SLAYING?SITE=NVLAS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Velvet Elvis

Yup, Elvis died for our sins 32 years ago today. So, in keeping with the Elvis theme I offer up this joke for cheap laughs -

The Redneck Booty Call - "Can I come over and see your Velvet Elvis?"

And for a little more redneck entertainment (in case the bug zapper is starting to bore you) I present Larry the Cable Guy on food.

Jokes.com
Larry The Cable Guy - Waffle House
comedians.comedycentral.com
Roast of Larry the Cable Guy Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy

Miley Cyrus Pole Gate 2009

Miley comes by her trashy dance moves honestly, Okay! Can we move on now?



The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. BTW - the best part of Miley's performance is the head spinning male background dancers. Also props to the stylist who supplied the Daisy Dukes.

It didn't work for George Jones, but . . .

Man on Lawnmower During Beer Run Charged with DUI

BELLEVILLE, Ill. (AP) -- With a revoked license because of a previous drunken-driving conviction, Dennis Cretton shouldn't drive. But authorities said that didn't stop the 49-year-old man from drunkenly driving up to a gas station for more beer - on his yellow riding lawnmower.
Cretton was charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence after neighbors reported he was weaving in and out of traffic on his lawnmower Friday night.
When deputies tried to stop him, authorities said Bretton drove the mower into his home's front yard, his 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best spilling onto the ground along the way.
Cretton was free on $10,000 bond. Calls to his home went unanswered Tuesday.

Great Minds Think Alike

I discovered a great blog just now http://redneckmother.blogspot.com/

I highly recommend checking it out. While I can't personally relate to family life, raising kids and the like (I'm more like that weird creepy middle aged dude who hangs out at the complex pool all day smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap beer from his plastic cooler, obviously unemployed -- the guy you keep your kids away from), I can appreciate someone who can do it with such aplomb.

I salute you Redneck Mother!

K-Fed Stiffs Wait Staff at Wasted Space

Las Vegas runs on tokes (tips). So when a celebrity (even a Double D-list one like Britney Spears' ex) stiffs the wait staff, it is big news in Sin City.

This article in the Las Vegas Sun is the most read http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jul/31/hard-rock-calls-out-k-fed-stiffing-servers/

The Hard Rock perpetuated this story through their social networking sites, and apparently thinks there is no such thing as bad press.

K-OverFed was in their resort to film a reality show (presumeably about his weight gain) and Wasted Space comped his party a couple of bottles of Grey Goose and some Red Bull.

He left without leaving a tip.

I question why he was comped in the first place, but a reality show can bring a lot of publicity to a Casino/Resort (look what the Real World did for the Palms), so I guess it isn't too unusual.

That assumption leads to another assumption that K-Fed probably expected a producer (these reality shows have hundreds of "producers" -- basically just annoying young kids (probably interns) running around acting as go-fers and such)to take care of a tedious task such as tipping.

That, or K-Fed is just a giant douchebag.

Hey, Even shlumpy baby daddies are feeling the pinch.

Oh! The Irony!!!

I just love the DIP, which is an acronym for "Day in Pictures." You can find these in many online newspapers, but my favorite is www.sfgate.com -- and since we got a car theme going, I offer you "Looks like someone needs a tow: Police in Lockport, N.Y., say the driver of this flatbed tow truck was talking on one cell phone and texting on another when he hit a car, careened across a lawn and took a dip."

DIP, indeed. Enjoy.

One Piece at a Time

Johnny Cash didn't need "Cash for Clunkers" -- he figured out a way to get the car of his dreams with a little five finger discount from the boss.

Too bad there aren't any auto workers left in America, anymore. There would be more than a few "Psychobilly Cadillacs" on the road.



"You might say I went to the factory and picked it up. It's cheaper that way."

I remember seeing the original "One Piece At a Time" car in the House of Cash in Hendersonville, TN when I first moved to Nashville.

Don't Judge the Man Until You've Seen the Horse

"Don't Judge the Man Until You've Seen the Horse" - that is my favorite online comment regarding the story today out of South Carolina about a certain man who is accused of "buggery" with a certain horse. You see, Rodell Vereen really has a thing for this horse . . . this is not his first, or even second time caught having inter-species relations with this comely equine. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/29/rodell-vereen-sc-man-char_n_247245.html

I'm assuming that this horse is a mare, but we have no photo of her, and of course her name is listed as "Sugar" (probably a psuedonym to protect the innocent, as victims of sexual abuse are usually not identified in the press.)

I'll bet she is a real looker though . . . big brown eyes, long lashes, shapely haunches, silky tail . . .

A Hell of a "Push, Pull, or Drag Sale"

Apparently Uncle Sam miscalculated the amount of rednecks with old cars up on blocks in the front yard and ghetto wagons, and has run into a roadblock with the "cash for clunkers" program.

Car dealerships are actually advertising again instead of closing down, and hoopties http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hooptie are a new form of currency.



My favorite part is at the beginning of the video when Sir Mix-Alot says "It feels like the old days, back when people was broke, they had to roll in a hooptie!" Indeed it does. Indeed it does. Sometimes I forget that I am broke once more, and have to remind myself that I can't party like I used to. Then I fondly reminisce about when I actually had money and never worried if my checks would clear. Memories . . . light the corners of my mind, misty water color memories . . .

Tony Romo Kicks Jessica Simpson Outta the Truck in an IHOP Parking Lot

Yeah, I know what you're saying. This would be a much better story if it was a Waffle (Awful) House parking lot -- I thought the same thing myself. But it is a National Inquirer story, and the IHOP was in Texas, so that makes it blogworthy.

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/jessica_simpson_dumped_by_tony_romo_ihop_parking_lot_john_mayer/celebrity/67015

What can I say . . . it is a slow news day.

So, apparently this photo was taken in happier times, maybe when Jess and Tony were sharing a rooty tooty fresh and fruity. The thing is, we all know Jessica had always hoped Tony would be shoving wedding cake in her mouth one day, but I guess this was as close as she got.

I personally believe the "Ken and Barbie" birthday party was the last straw. I mean seriously ladies, you can only push a guy so far.

And you know what they say . . . show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of doing her.